Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Where Oh Where Has My Little Boy Gone?

First - I had a FANTASTIC picture to go with this post. Unfortunately my scanner is acting up and I can't get it to connect. Maybe tomorrow when I feel like working with it. Suffice it to say it would have been worth it.

School for the Prince and Princess started one month ago tomorrow. In this month's time I have received phone calls from no fewer than two of #1 Son's teachers. Oh, and he's been in detention once. Why you ask? And if you knew him you would REALLY be asking, because he's such a good sweet kid. Well, it seems Chatty Kathy has quite the social life going on in school. I guess he's trying to be cool. He has contracted a bad case of diarrhea mouth in class. Short of force feeding him Pepto until it runs out of his ears or beating him to death, I am at a loss. Apparently he just talks and can't help himself. It's time to pull out the big guns. It's time to help him MYself. I have been waiting for this moment.

Tonight's call came in from his English teacher. Same song and dance. "He's such an intelligent student. If he would just put as much effort into his work as he does in socializing, he'd be much better off." As usual, I am embarrassed. I am not one of those parents who thinks little Susie or Johnnie is perfect and the teacher is wrong. Oh no. I beg forgiveness from the teacher and promise it will never happen again. And I mean it. It is time to pull out the "Respect speech" and couple it with *THE* Threat.

After dinner tonight C. and I tag-teamed him. The "Respect speech" consists of equal parts guilt and stern references to respecting all elders. I go on about his teachers who work for mere peanuts only because they live to teach snot-nose kids like him. I appeal to his sense of empathy (which he really has) and try to get him to put himself in his teacher's position. I then move into visions of the future when I am a professor. Would he want students to treat me so rudely? That one usually gets him. But tonight...tonight was special. I pulled out *THE* Threat.

In the past *THE* Threat was reserved for skipping school. If I ever caught/catch him skipping school I would know instantly that I can't trust him and will then need to treat him like the child he is. Which means I would arrange with his principal and all his teachers to attend class WITH him. ALL classes...EVERY class. Now that's the kiss of death socially. *THE* Threat has kept him in line. He knows better than to skip class, much less a whole day of school. Tonight I modified *THE* Threat a bit. Keep in mind that his excuse is always that "someone else talked to me, I was answering someone," etc. etc. It's ALWAYS someone else's fault. Boy that sounds familiar! In all fairness, he has gotten this annoying trait from his father, my ex. The one who is never responsible for anything. It has got to be genetic. I told #1 Son that HE is in control of his actions - HE controls himself. HE knows what's expected of him. If he cannot control his diarrhea mouth, I'm going to school. Period. This tends to strike terror in #1 Son's heart. Because you see, he knows I'm dead serious. Oh, the boy knows. He's seen the pictures.

Flash back to C.'s bachelor party. September (maybe?) 2000. My BIL planned it and made all the arrangements. He rented a theater. There was enough alcohol to float one of the local battleships. Several of C.'s friends, lots of BILs friends, lots of mutual friends and...well I'll put this PC - strippers (I was going to say whores, but hey even crack addicts need to make a living). 4 of them. Not only did they strip, they jello wrestled, etc. (don't ask me the etc. - all I know from my dear guy friends that were there is that C. did nothing....others didn't get away as unscathed)

The POINT is that I crashed that bachelor party along with several friends. We showed up in curlers, wearing mud masks, P.J.s, fuzzy slippers and robes. Yes, we had been drinking. Now in our defense, we did NOT storm the place. We waited until they went outside for a smoke break. Of course the whor....uh...strippers took one look at us, freaked out and ran inside. The rest of the guys came outside. They LOVED it! My drunken soon to be Husband even thanked me saying that he would have been disappointed if I hadn't pulled SOMETHING. Well I pulled it alright. The only people pissed (that didn't get the joke) were the whores and my BIL. We were there a grand total of 15 to 20 minutes.

Flashforward to tonight. #1 Son has seen the pictures. He has heard me threaten to show up in class in full mud mask and curlers to attend every class if he ever skips. I cannot express to you the look on #1's face tonight. He knows this is serious. He is facing something worse than death.

Now keep in mind that I would not go into full make-up (i.e. mud mask and curlers) to attend class with him. I would never torture him like that. But he doesn't know that. Fear is good. I WOULD, however, sit with him in a class that he is having problems controlling himself in. It is my duty.

And P.S. - If I ever get this stupid scanner working, you'll be able to view the aforementioned picture of me in full bachelor party crashing regalia. Be afraid. Be very afraid.


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Name: Cattiva
Location: Virginia, United States

About Me: I'm the mom of three: #1 Son (20), The Princess of Wails (17) and their baby brother - The Baby (6). I was a grad-student working on an MA in history until we were surprised - I mean blessed - with The Baby. I'll get back to it...someday (the thesis, not the kid - I have no choice concerning the kid). I am one of only a few people I went to school with who is actually using their history degree in my career (and to think my Father called it Basket-weaving!). I live a very hectic life amongst massive clutter. I call it a good day if we have managed to get home at night without losing one of the kids (no matter how hard I try!). Friends say I have a humorous take on life's happenings. The sad part is that what I write about is true. I laugh to keep from crying.

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