Thursday, August 12, 2004

Scientific Facts About Vacations

Going out of town has proven several theories I have held concerning the goings on at home while I am away. I know I am not alone.

#1 – Laundry breeds. This phenomenon is not specific to your absence. I personally have always witnessed newborn laundry. I just have a higher awareness after returning home. It doesn't matter if you thought you laundered every piece of clothing your family owns before you left. There's a pregnant sock under the sofa that will emerge and multiply like a horny rabbit. I have found clothing lying around since returning home that I know for a fact no one in this house has ever owned before.

#2 – Furniture parties in your absence. You come home and all sorts of things have been moved. For instance I KNOW that I didn’t leave the dining room table shoved against the wall, nor did I leave the den recliner in the doorway to the living room. I guess the moving furniture is a good thing as it gives the newborn laundry a convenient place to rest on.

#3 – The yard turns into an uninhabitable jungle and takes on a look that belongs in “Modern Trailer Park” magazine. Things that you do NOT want to grow, like weeds with 18-inch roots, take off like they were hit with a double shot of Miracle Grow. The flora you were growing on purpose withers to a brittle brown mass as if you had planted it in the Sahara desert. Multiply this phenomenon exponentially by the cost of said plant when purchased from your local, overpriced garden center.

#4 – Anything important and time sensitive will arrive in the mail while you are away. It is a given that if you have been waiting by the mailbox with baited breath for three weeks for a piece of mail that was supposedly sent priority, it will finally arrive while you are gone. It will then be placed in a huge pile of junk mail where it has to fend for itself among the newborn laundry until you can get to it. When you eventually do, it will be too late.

#5 – Fish and other small pets that were not otherwise kenneled will die because they refuse to eat the stupid vacation food source you placed in their tank. OK, I admit that this did not happen to us this trip, but it has in the past. Again, this circumstance will occur exponentially based on the cost of the fish. A 79-cent fish will live forever despite being left in a tank with no food, whose filter craps out thus leaving an opaque greenish blue cloud. A $39.99 fish will expire as soon as you pull out of the driveway.

I suppose I should be somewhat happy that my hypotheses have been proven yet again. Maybe I will be…someday.



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Name: Cattiva
Location: Virginia, United States

About Me: I'm the mom of three: #1 Son (20), The Princess of Wails (17) and their baby brother - The Baby (6). I was a grad-student working on an MA in history until we were surprised - I mean blessed - with The Baby. I'll get back to it...someday (the thesis, not the kid - I have no choice concerning the kid). I am one of only a few people I went to school with who is actually using their history degree in my career (and to think my Father called it Basket-weaving!). I live a very hectic life amongst massive clutter. I call it a good day if we have managed to get home at night without losing one of the kids (no matter how hard I try!). Friends say I have a humorous take on life's happenings. The sad part is that what I write about is true. I laugh to keep from crying.

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