Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Mexican Standoff

It could have been a scene out of an old black and white Western.

Picture two sworn enemies on the dry western plain with tumbleweeds blowing at their feet. Poised about 20 feet apart, each hombre glares at the other with their weapons drawn and legs spread slightly apart ready to spring into action. No words escape their mouths. The seconds tick by. The crowd stares in anticipation.

Yeah, that could have been the scene except for the fact that it happened tonight in our living room. The two hombres are The Middle One and #1 Son (ages 12 and 15 respectively). Their weapon of choice was a cordless telephone. Tumbleweeds? Nope, just clumps of dog hair rolling across the hardwood floor. Oh yeah, the "crowd" would be none other than myself and C. The "sworn enemies" part? (Sigh) Yes, unfortunately that was real.

You see, after dinner this evening, both of my "sweet babies" decided that they NEEDED to use the phone. Immediately. Thanks to the beauty of a cable modem, we only have one phone line into and out of this house. Can you guess where this is going?

Both "sweet children" sprang from the dinner table, lunged for a phone and simultaneously hit the "talk" button. The phone line was open. No one could dial out. No one wanted to give in. They glared at each other. They menacingly waved their cordless phones at each other. Their eyes narrowed into intimidating glares (as my eyes rolled almost out of my head).

They were at a standoff.

You know, parents see their kids as many different things. For some, kids are a gift from a higher power (I tend to believe that on my better days - other days I believe He might be cursing me). For others, kids force them to mature into an adult, whether they want to grow there or not. Their kids ground them. Still others, unfortunately, see their children as a burden.

Personally, I see my kids as an endless source of entertainment. It's cheaper than cable.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Stupid Teenager Tricks

So early this afternoon, on my way home from work, my cell phone rings. The caller ID shows a number I am not familiar with, but I figure, "what the heck?" and answer it. It's Number One Son on a friend's cell, all agitated. I say "Hello" and am greeted with:

"Oh my GOSH Mom, we were almost arrested!"

I answer with a rather forceful, "WHAT??!?!!?!"

#1 Son: "We were surrounded at an intersection, drug out of Sparkey's car (Sparky is a friend of his, a Senior girl on his crew team who passed up a scholarship to Yale to accept one to Oxford) and patted down!"

Me: "What are you talking about?!?! Are you OK?!"

Him: "Yeah, but it was WILD!"

Me: "Slow down - what happened? I thought you were on your way to practice?!" (Note: I was REALLY trying hard to keep the hysteria out of my voice at this point)

Him: "We were, but it takes Sparky's car a LONG time to heat up and we were cold, so Sparky put her winter crew hood on (Editors Note: This looks like a partial ski mask which actually only covers the back of the head and the mouth - the eyes and nose are open)."

Me: "Yeah...AND??!?!!"

Him: "Well we stopped at this intersection and five cop cars screeched around us and gave us nowhere to go. They started screaming at us to get out of the car."

Me: "WHAT?! WHY?!?! Are you hanging out with criminals?!!?!"

Him: "MOM! Come on. At first we didn't know why they got crazy, but we were scared so we got out of the car. They threw us up against the car and yelled at us a lot. They searched us, patted us down. They even had to call a girl cop to pat Sparky down. This one guy searched Sparky's car and kept yelling at us. He said that if there was a recent bank robbery they could have shot us."

.... Huh?

Me: "WHAT did he say?"

Him: "He asked what we would have done if there had been a recent bank robbery and they saw us, and then said that he would be OK to shoot us if we didn't put our hands up fast enough."

Me: "Was there a bank robbery today?"

Him: "That's what I asked him (THAT'S my BOY!), and he said no and he got, really mad. He said we we looked "suspicious" and they had to check us out because we were in that neighborhood."



FIRST - I'm PISSED! With all the gang violence in our city, all the drug problems - hell all the DANGEROUS drivers, you can think of nothing better to do than to pull these kids over and pat them down for wearing a WINTER hood (when it is 38 degrees) - in BROAD daylight?!??! And it takes FIVE CARS full of you??!?!

SECOND - I am all for "tough love" and "scared straight." Seriously I am. But why not pull the carloads of teens who are cruising around at 11am (or 11Pm), obviously not in school, obviously gang affiliated (ever seen or heard of "Colors?"), and apparently up to no good? Is it better to follow and SURROUND kids who are clearly leaving the school grounds after stretching and working out as a TEAM, dressed in work-out clothes and headed for practice?

I am beside myself tonight. Part of me wants to raise hell with our police Dept. I want someone's ass. But then there is the other side of me - that side that really LOVES those guys today that read my kid the riot act, that scared the crap out of him. And when it all comes down to it, despite all my bluster, I applaud those cops today. They scared the CRAP out of a few kids who don't need it now...but someday they might.

The Gangsters that they missed?

My heart breaks wider.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Holding My Tongue (AKA Trying Not To Laugh Out Loud)

OK, first I must tell you that I ADORE my sister-in-law. My brother-in-law, not so much.

They are expecting. I am THRILLED, as my Sis-in-law is going to be a TERRIFIC mother! She's had a lot of practice with a niece and of course my BIL. She is a doll with The Baby, #1 Son and The Middle One (the artist formally known as The Little One). But bless her heart, she is a bit jaded. You see, she has been raising my BIL for several years. He is not, unfortunately, the typical baby. As a matter of fact, we have been told by BIL that they do NOT want hand-me-downs for their latest edition.

Eventually I stopped laughing. Sort of. My MIL reminded me that this was their first kid and thus it was "all new" to them. Yeah. OK.

As I was folding 12 month sizes into a box, I couldn't help chuckling. You see, I am willing to bet our next house payment that there will be a point in the very near future that my in-laws will actually beg for The Baby's hand-me-downs. This point will occur about the first time my precious little niece or nephew barfs on his 5th onesie of the day after his or her 3rd diaper blow-out.

Ah yes, my friends. Reality hurts.

Saturday, January 20, 2007


Did I pass?

AHA! I have been convinced that my recent posting problems are the combination of my complete laziness and Blogger's conspiracy to switch everyone over to the new software.

So far, so good.

Woo Hoo! Worked again. I realize that you all have no clue what I am doing. Honestly, neither do I, most of the time. Tonight I am adding a bit more to this post and publishing it a little at a time as a test.

HA!! Worked again. Of course I know that as soon as I actually create a decent post, the Blogger Boogie Monster (BBM) will get it. Of this fact I am sure. I also know that the odds of a BBM strike increase exponentially depending on A) How much I cracked myself up, thus the post has a small chance of amusing you, B)How long it took me to write said post, both in my mind and then actually getting the words to my keyboard, AND finally C) My ability to actually recreate said post should it get eaten. For instance, a post written and meticulously edited in MS Word has a much greater chance to see the light of the blog. Conversely, the even GREATER post that hit me like a bolt of lightening that I just HAD to share with you ASAP, so you will crack up over it as much as I did...well, that's the post that gets eaten. Oh crap. Hold on...

Deeeeeaaaaammn! Still working. Maybe Blogger has become fearful of me, as well it should. More likely I just need to conform and upgrade to the new software (perhaps). But my friends, I am afraid. Opps....gotta publish -

Yee HAA! So far, so good.

So I'm really beginning to think that I need to upgrade this stupid software. I've read the hype, etc. It of course, SOUNDS good, but don't they all? I can remember countless Microsoft updates that resulted in me beating my head against a wall for several hours. It doesn't help, by the way.

OOOOOooo! Time to check ----> YES! You're still here!

So I'm scared, my friends. Well, it's not that I am scared really. Years of technical support give me the tools AND the mental loopiness to handle a software upgrade or change. It's just that whole "hating change" thing I have going on. I mean, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

For cryin' out loud, I drink. Don't pull the run out from under me.

As I tell me Hubby and any and all our techie friends: "Just make it go. - I don't want to deal with the other crap."


PS - So who has upgraded and what are your thoughts??

Who uses other software? Should I look at it? Why do you like it?

*sigh* help me.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Wonder If I Could Figure Out Wordpress? Blogger is Really Tweaking Me Tonight. I lost 2 Decent Posts. Grrr

Thursday, January 04, 2007

It's Over - Move ON already!

Dear Neighbors:

It is now January FOURTH and the Holidays are OVER. I strongly suggest that you give the "Holiday Spirit" a rest. I, of all neighbors, completely understand if you lack the spare time to remove your garish light displays, but for God's sake at least TURN THEM OFF!

I fully admit that my holiday decorations were not completely on display until December 22. I also understand that even though you DOUBLED the number of tacky lawn animals, blow up snowthings, animated hoogititz AND ran the fake icicles to new heights on your roof, garage and shed, you still managed to be fully illuminated by November 7th. Please understand though, that you DO NOT have to make up for my lack of "holiday spirit." Really. Santa is not keeping score.

I mean come on. You know me. I'm a procrastinator. I'm terminally unorganized. I am the neighbor who brings her trashcans in three days late. Is that any reason to punish me?


OK, so you may not have any sympathy for me, but how about my kids? I am most concerned about the Middle One (the Artist Formally Known as The Little One). The problem wasn't as much of an issue while she was on holiday break, but now that she is in school again she is really struggling. You see, she is only getting a couple of hours of sleep a night. It seems that since one of her bedroom windows faces your house, your "Holiday Spirit" lights up her room like she was a prisoner of war under interrogation. She's ultra-crabby and that scares her family and worries her teachers.

My Dear Neighbors, I have written our representative on City Council to suggest a law to penalize residents who continue to illuminate their holiday yard displays after New Year's Day. Don't take it personally. There are many others in our city who are guilty of this offensive "crime." I have suggested that a fine of $1 per light be assessed to all guilty parties. That would mean you would owe about 12 Gazillion dollars. Hmmm...in that case, I would owe NO personal property tax.

Just be happy I don't own a gun.



Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Gratuitous Baby Update

Age - 16 months (on the 6th).

Walking - actually running - and into EVERYTHING.

Teeth - 7

Still Nursing - first thing in AM and last thing before bed - but we're trying to break the last one, as all he does now is play (read that: smiles at me mischieviously and then bites).

Hair - Still not much, although it is growing in the back. He has a little baby mullet. I think it's kind of funny. I am sure he'll resent me someday when he is older. He can get over it in therapy like the other two.

Words - Mama, Mommy, Daddy, Bubby (his older brother), TssssTsss (for Sissy, his sister), NaNa, PaPa, bubble, Elmo (Dear God), on (he likes to turn on lights), off (sometimes he actually turns them off, too), no (but of course), NumNum (for food and drinks), ball, me me (when he wants something you are holding or something he is not supposed to have) and Gah (which we believe is dog and any other walking four legged creature...oh and lobsters).

Name: Cattiva
Location: Virginia, United States

About Me: I'm the mom of three: #1 Son (20), The Princess of Wails (17) and their baby brother - The Baby (6). I was a grad-student working on an MA in history until we were surprised - I mean blessed - with The Baby. I'll get back to it...someday (the thesis, not the kid - I have no choice concerning the kid). I am one of only a few people I went to school with who is actually using their history degree in my career (and to think my Father called it Basket-weaving!). I live a very hectic life amongst massive clutter. I call it a good day if we have managed to get home at night without losing one of the kids (no matter how hard I try!). Friends say I have a humorous take on life's happenings. The sad part is that what I write about is true. I laugh to keep from crying.

See my complete profile

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