Dear Blog:

Hello there. Remember me? Good, because I am not sure I do. I apologize for neglecting you lately. I must admit that I am struggling a bit to settle into some kind of routine. Who knew a new baby would throw me for such a loop? It is not like this is my first kid or anything. Things are slowing down now though, and I desperately miss blogging. Here then, in no particular order, are some excuses for not posting. I only hope that you can forgive me.

The Milk Machine - That is the nickname my family has given me. Nice, yes? As I am now the Dairy Queen, I live my life in 2 1/2 to 3 hour blocks. That is how often #2 Son eats. Boy can he eat. Frequently. Around the clock. Entire days go by with me in a haze, stumbling around like a zombie - much like my early college years.

Priorities - I have spit-up in my hair. I honestly do and I cannot remember my last shower. It might have been sometime over the weekend, but I am not positive. I miss the "good old days" when bathing was a daily ritual. Instead, it has become something I do "when I have a free minute."

Guilt - Our house looks like a landfill. It is getting harder and harder to pretend we are not home when people drop by to see the baby. I keep feeling like I should spend some of those "free minutes" cleaning. Luckily that feeling passes when I nap.

Television - Speaking of guilt, I have developed an addiction to "baby shows" on TV. Since #2 Son was born, I have not missed an episode of any show dealing with babies. I regularly troll The Learning Channel, Discovery Channel and the Discovery Health Channel. It has become a sickness.

Fifth Grade is Kicking My Butt - I had forgotten how much homework the stupid school assigns to fifth graders. Luckily, I am doing well. Perhaps I will make it to Middle School after all?

New Shoes - As if life was not hectic enough, I got a new shoe.



Do not feel bad though, my dear blog. You are not the only thing I have not had time to attend to. My driver's license expired back on my birthday. Just think - the Holidays are just around the corner. Yee Haa!

Love,
Catt

Elementary's Most Wanted

We have always maintained that The Little One was going to become either famous or infamous at some point in her life. With her personality, it is inevitable. This past week she took yet another step towards infamous.

Imagine my joy to discover a Conduct Notice in her backpack. She was written up for violating Paragraph 30 of the Student Code of Conduct. My friends, she was guilty of "Harassment with Food." Seriously. That is what the "official scary looking paper" said.

Apparently a boy in her class put a cheese sandwich in her chair at lunch as a joke. She got angry and threw the offending sandwich at him. It was all downhill after that. My friends, our daughter is a food bully.

I dare not show my face at the next PTA meeting.

Scientific Facts About Hospitals

The number of times your IV will have to be moved and restarted is multiplied exponentially by your fear of needles.

With less than 3 hours sleep in the last 48 while you are bedridden, your teenage son will look at you and say, "No offense Mom, but you are really not looking your best."

The worse you look, the more pictures will be taken of you.

As long as there is the possibility of surgery, you will be starved to death. This is regardless of how many days you might be "rushed into surgery." It is obviously a conspiracy perpetrated by your insurance company who is attempting to save a few bucks on meals.

It is just plain mean to starve a pregnant woman, and it will make the pregnant woman that much meaner.

When you finally get your hands on the planned "afternoon snack," the five Saltine crackers you actually ate will delay your surgery for several hours. Had you known that, you would have eaten that damned sixth cracker.

Your doctors and nurses will tell you that it is crucial to get plenty of rest after your major surgery. They will then proceed to wake you every hour, on the hour, to check your vital signs.

The surgical tape used to cover your incision is not safe for use on human skin.

When surgical tape is removed it will take several layers of skin with it.

Surgical tape is the duct tape of the future.

Hospitals now have an "Infant Security System." It is like a little baby "LoJack."

You will worry about your husband's sanity after overhearing the following conversation, "When my son takes a dump, everyone is thrilled. When my wife passes gas, everyone celebrates. No one cheers when I take a dump or pass gas."

Obviously the family has been reading all those free "new baby" magazines lying around the hospital. You will know this when you are asked three times in one day if you have mastitis, though you are pretty sure they have no idea exactly what mastitis actually is.

It is incredibly creepy to get nursing tips from your children.

No matter how unorganized your house was when you were rushed to the hospital, it will be 10 times worse when you get home. This is regardless of the number of Grandmothers who have been over to "help."

Upon your homecoming, you will discover a huge dent in one of your very expensive, virtually indestructible pieces of gourmet cookware. You will not want to know how it happened.