Saturday, October 01, 2005

Scientific Facts About Hospitals

The number of times your IV will have to be moved and restarted is multiplied exponentially by your fear of needles.

With less than 3 hours sleep in the last 48 while you are bedridden, your teenage son will look at you and say, "No offense Mom, but you are really not looking your best."

The worse you look, the more pictures will be taken of you.

As long as there is the possibility of surgery, you will be starved to death. This is regardless of how many days you might be "rushed into surgery." It is obviously a conspiracy perpetrated by your insurance company who is attempting to save a few bucks on meals.

It is just plain mean to starve a pregnant woman, and it will make the pregnant woman that much meaner.

When you finally get your hands on the planned "afternoon snack," the five Saltine crackers you actually ate will delay your surgery for several hours. Had you known that, you would have eaten that damned sixth cracker.

Your doctors and nurses will tell you that it is crucial to get plenty of rest after your major surgery. They will then proceed to wake you every hour, on the hour, to check your vital signs.

The surgical tape used to cover your incision is not safe for use on human skin.

When surgical tape is removed it will take several layers of skin with it.

Surgical tape is the duct tape of the future.

Hospitals now have an "Infant Security System." It is like a little baby "LoJack."

You will worry about your husband's sanity after overhearing the following conversation, "When my son takes a dump, everyone is thrilled. When my wife passes gas, everyone celebrates. No one cheers when I take a dump or pass gas."

Obviously the family has been reading all those free "new baby" magazines lying around the hospital. You will know this when you are asked three times in one day if you have mastitis, though you are pretty sure they have no idea exactly what mastitis actually is.

It is incredibly creepy to get nursing tips from your children.

No matter how unorganized your house was when you were rushed to the hospital, it will be 10 times worse when you get home. This is regardless of the number of Grandmothers who have been over to "help."

Upon your homecoming, you will discover a huge dent in one of your very expensive, virtually indestructible pieces of gourmet cookware. You will not want to know how it happened.


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Name: Cattiva
Location: Virginia, United States

About Me: I'm the mom of three: #1 Son (20), The Princess of Wails (17) and their baby brother - The Baby (6). I was a grad-student working on an MA in history until we were surprised - I mean blessed - with The Baby. I'll get back to it...someday (the thesis, not the kid - I have no choice concerning the kid). I am one of only a few people I went to school with who is actually using their history degree in my career (and to think my Father called it Basket-weaving!). I live a very hectic life amongst massive clutter. I call it a good day if we have managed to get home at night without losing one of the kids (no matter how hard I try!). Friends say I have a humorous take on life's happenings. The sad part is that what I write about is true. I laugh to keep from crying.

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