The Law

Day 4 of Summer Vacation and it has already gotten ugly. I am determined that this summer is going to be different. We will have peace and harmony, along with a clean house if it kills them. As I was doing the laundry today, I was inspired to institute some rules in writing, as my beloved family has obviously forgotten them in the excitement of summer break. Behold the latest edict:

Yes, that is a picture of the actual list posted on the door to our garage/laundry room. It reads as follows:

ATTENTION FAMILY!

It has come to my attention that you all still believe in the laundry fairy. SHE DOES NOT EXIST! She and the Tooth Fairy took off for Las Vegas several years ago. As of today, June 19, 2006, we will begin reinforcing the valuable lesson of taking care of our belongings. Penalties will now be assessed for various infractions as follows:

Smelly socks that have to be turned right-side = 1 hour NO electronics PER sock

Dirty socks found anywhere but the hamper or laundry = 1 hour NO electronics PER sock

Shoes found anywhere but on your feet or in your room = 1 DAY NO electronics

Clothing found in the dirty laundry that you have not worn = 1 DAY NO electronics

Clean folded clothing that does NOT make it to your drawers (and instead ends up strewn on the floor) = 1 WEEK NO electronics.

***Note – Electronics = television, computers, PS2, PSP, telephone, DVD, VCR, etc. This list is subject to change at any time.

The sign met with mixed reviews, as expected. The Princess of Wales declared that it was, "the stupidest list of rules ever." The Prince was OK with it, as he has been washing his own laundry for months and he thinks this is aimed at his sister. Won't he be surprised when the last rule costs him serious computer time? C., of course, applauded the posting.

I have already decided to modify the sign. I need to add:

Any items found in the pockets of laundry will immediately become thepossessionn of The Management. This is regardless of the form of the item. The Management could care less if it is money or your "favorite" pen or rock.

and

Clothing for inanimate objects (such as stuffed animals) does not get dirty or worn. Each item of stuffed animal clothes = 1 DAY NO electronics.

(PS - Oh Lord Stanley, Lord Stanley! If the Pens should ever leave the Burgh, my heart will belong 2 hours south!) - And yes, I know that probably only Cuppojoe will get that.

Count Down

There are exactly 6 hours and 45 minutes before the start of the kids' summer break. How can this be? I have not even begun to recover from the LAST summer break. I 'm not ready.

Why do they call it a BREAK anyway? What is this break? Who actually gets one? Certainly not the parents or anything.

And while I'm bitching, can anyone give me ANY good reason for the last two weeks of school besides cleaning out the cafeteria? I must admit that I get a bit of a charge when the kids come home and whine that they had to endure yet another "Manager's Choice." Hopefully they will appreciate my efforts at dinner that much more (fat chance). Both my 5th grader and my 8th grader have done nothing in school but watch movies and "hang out" for the last two weeks. Well, they've done more - factor in the class picnics, trips, play days, etc. and they honestly have no room for complaint. *sigh*

These kids have been getting out of school for "half days" for well over a week. Tomorrow - the official "last" day of school, my son will attend Middle School for exactly 2 hours and 15 minutes, while my 5th grader will be in class an hour and 45 minutes. They are both hoping to accomplish their goal of getting their yearbook signed.

This is what my tax dollars pay for? I swear to you that I still have the facial twitch from last year. The Prince & Princess don't seem to notice. I have already begun my "sermons." Tonight's included the declaration that they better NOT expect to lay around here all summer like royalty and eat us out of house and home (only eating crap mind you) because they are bored. In fact I DARE them to say they are bored. I've got their "bored." There are LOTS of things to do around here. I am looking forward to having slave labor. I even gave them assignments this evening. I told them that I expect a paper tomorrow listing snack foods that they will actually eat. These lists MUST include at least a few healthy things like fruits and veggies. We'll see what I get.

Tell me again, my friends, that I will survive. Please? There are only 1,944 hours until the new school year (but who's counting?). I should be able to handle that. Right?

The Walk of Shame

OH. MY. GOSH. My friends, today I am doing the walk of shame. No, not THAT walk (from my days dating C.) - this one is more like eating my words. Open big fat keyboard, insert foot.

Not more than four days after condescendingly judging a very spoiled, rich celebrity for her baby "mishaps," I had one fall off the bed. It wasn't even one one of the bigger ones either. I am SO filled with shame. He's fine, didn't even cry but for a couple of seconds. I, however, am humbled.

Isn't this how my life goes? Just when I say things are going well, a tree falls or the roof caves in. (I have proof. Read the archives.) So of course, when I get all uppity and snooty towards said unnamed trashy celebrity it figures that my own little bundle of joy takes a header off the bed. You would think I would have learned my lesson. It's not rocket science. (sigh)

Of course, I am sure it's not some weird cosmic law of opposites or anything. That would be silly.

But just in case...

I can honestly say that I have never won the lottery.

Mother Of the Year

I consider myself an experienced parent. Hey, I haven't killed anyone or lost anyone (for very long anyway), so I would even call myself a successful parent. It's honestly not rocket science. In my 14 1/2 years I can honestly say that I have:

1) Never driven down a highway with one of them in my lap.

2) Never ridden them around in a convertible in the midday sun, especially not in a forward facing carseat when they were infants.

3) And somehow I have never managed to drop one of them out of a highchair subsequently cracking their skull.

I'm just sayin'.