Friday, December 31, 2004

My Advice to Talk Show Guests

Ah, my last post of 2004. Since this was a rather crappy year for us, I can't say that I'm sorry to see it go. I'm not going to post resolutions because quite frankly I don't make them anymore. Instead I give you this:

I have been in the house quite a bit this week hiding from the children, I mean doing housework. Thus I have caught quite a few talk shows on daytime television. These shows are strangely addicting. Much like a train wreck, it's hard to stop staring. Please do not think I have been laying here on the sofa staring at these shows eating bon bons. I just have them on for background noise. *ahem* There is a weird comfort to these mini-dramas. They point out that no matter how ridiculous you think your life is, there is someone else out there that makes your life look like a 1950's sitcom. I have compiled some sage advice, just in case you are contemplating a guest spot on a talk show in the coming year.

If there is ANY chance at all that your husband, boyfriend or ex-significant other may NOT be the father of your baby, do NOT go on national television for a DNA test. The more obnoxious you are trying to prove your point (i.e. – she has his ears, he has his hair, see!), the more likely it is that he is NOT the father. You will be embarrassed and exposed for the whore you were when you conceived.

If you are cheating on your mate, do NOT take a lie detector test on national television to prove your innocence. You may think you're smooth enough to beat it. You are not.

If you honestly believe your mate is cheating, do NOT drag them on national television to take a lie detector test. Chances are your instincts are correct. This is especially true if you experience any of the following: someone else's panties in your bed, 72 phone numbers of strange women in his wallet, hang up calls at all hours of the night, your mate stays "out" for three days straight, etc. Save yourself the trouble of looking stupid and just get out of the relationship.

If your Hubby is emotionally abusive and holds you captive in your own home, an appearance on a talk show will not "cure" him.

If you weigh more than 300 pounds and dress like a "hoochie mama," it's a safe bet that your family is already embarrassed. Do them the favor of not flaunting it for the world to see. Get dressed and save the eyesight of the rest of us.

If you were a nasty bully in high school who made some poor geek's life a living hell, do NOT go on a talk show to "be surprised by someone from your past." It is not a secret admirer who was enchanted by your beauty and can't forget you. Instead, it is the geek you tortured who has transformed their physical self with contacts and steroids or a boob job. Their psyche has not healed and the audience will taunt you while the former geek prances around the stage wearing nothing but dental floss.

Do NOT under any circumstances agree to go on an episode of something called the "Jerry Springer Show." The free trip to New York is really not worth it, no matter how badly you want to get out of the trailer park.

Enjoy yourselves tonight my friends and have a blessed New Year!


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Name: Cattiva
Location: Virginia, United States

About Me: I'm the mom of three: #1 Son (20), The Princess of Wails (17) and their baby brother - The Baby (6). I was a grad-student working on an MA in history until we were surprised - I mean blessed - with The Baby. I'll get back to it...someday (the thesis, not the kid - I have no choice concerning the kid). I am one of only a few people I went to school with who is actually using their history degree in my career (and to think my Father called it Basket-weaving!). I live a very hectic life amongst massive clutter. I call it a good day if we have managed to get home at night without losing one of the kids (no matter how hard I try!). Friends say I have a humorous take on life's happenings. The sad part is that what I write about is true. I laugh to keep from crying.

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