Monday, July 02, 2007

Welcome to Hell

I LOATHE going to the dentist. You see, I had a LOT of work done as a child and quite frankly the whole ordeal terrifies me. I am not proud to admit that up until this spring, I had not visited a dentist for years. Then a filling fell out (stupid filling), and I was forced to go. Luckily, I found a dentist right here in my neighborhood who caters to patients like me. He uses nitrous oxide. I love nitrous oxide. I had to go in today for "scaling." This procedure is obviously punishment for neglecting the dental profession for so long. Here is what I remember:

Why is she asking for help? Why can't she find the nitrous thingy? OK, I understand. She's new. WAIT! Has she ever done this before? Surely she has, she's my age. Of course, lots of people change careers later in life. I certainly did. But I am sure Dr. Tooth wouldn't let her practice on me, right? He knows I am a chicken. Oh thank God, she found the nitrous thingy. Yes, yes, I remember - steady breathing.

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

Oooo, I'm starting to feel all tingly.

Dr. Tooth: Hi there Catt. How are you today?
Me: I've been better, but you know I love this nitrous thingy.
Dr. Tooth: Just remember to keep taking steady breaths. This will be the worst part. Just a few little pinches.

&%%#$@!! That HURTS! &$%#$@!! Knock it off you psycho!

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in...

Dr. Tooth: Just a few more pinches, then I'll turn you over to Nurse-Lady. There you go, now real quick, one for each tooth. Breathe steady.

Holy crap, are those tears running down my face? That is so embarrassing. Thank you nice Nurse-Lady for wiping my tears. Sure I will turn my head towards you. I love this nitrous thingy. Sniff.

Breathe in, breathe out...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, what is that deafening noise? The high pitched screech of your torture device is bouncing around in my skull. I hope I am not suffering permanent hearing loss. Is this what dogs feel like when people blow those whistles?

Breathe in, breathe out...

Crap, my fingers are numb. I can't believe I have been clenching them together so hard. I really need to try to relax. I'm sure this will be over soon.

Breathe in, breathe out...

I think I'm drowning. Oh man, that's drool coming out of my mouth. LADY! Can't you see that water crap is dripping down my face?


Not the left side, NOT THE LEFT SIDE! The left side isn't numb! Oh wait. I guess you are just doing the front of my mouth. Just watch it there, Missy.


Sweet Jesus, what is that horrendous scraping sound?! You better not be scraping the enamel off my teeth. If I come back in here next time and Dr. Tooth says I need to endure some further torture to put the enamel back, someone is going to get hurt.

In... Out... IN...

HEY! Did you just pierce my lip?! We have a no body piercing rule in our house!

IN... Out... In...

WAIT! Why are you taking away my nitrous? Oh, it's over? OK, I can handle that.

Dr. Tooth: Hi Catt, how are you feeling?
Me: Mmmnph (translation: Half of my head is numb, I am drooling, I sound like I have been on a weekend bender, and if I try to smile I look like I have palsy. How the hell do you think I feel?!)
Dr. Tooth: Well you did great! That wasn't so bad was it?
Me: Mmmnph (translation: read about it on my blog you sadist.)


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Name: Cattiva
Location: Virginia, United States

About Me: I'm the mom of three: #1 Son (20), The Princess of Wails (17) and their baby brother - The Baby (6). I was a grad-student working on an MA in history until we were surprised - I mean blessed - with The Baby. I'll get back to it...someday (the thesis, not the kid - I have no choice concerning the kid). I am one of only a few people I went to school with who is actually using their history degree in my career (and to think my Father called it Basket-weaving!). I live a very hectic life amongst massive clutter. I call it a good day if we have managed to get home at night without losing one of the kids (no matter how hard I try!). Friends say I have a humorous take on life's happenings. The sad part is that what I write about is true. I laugh to keep from crying.

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