Tuesday, January 11, 2005

My Advice to Web Searchers

For several weeks I have been keeping a list of some of the more amusing web searches that have somehow found this blog. It is obvious to me that these people have serious issues. How these searchers made their way here, I cannot begin to fathom. I guess I need to watch my big fat keyboard a bit more closely in the future.

nana punk bump toe shoes
Dear Nana: Anyone who cannot decide on a fetish needs professional help. I am sure you were disappointed when you did not find a picture of my 70-year-old pregnant mother wearing black ballet slippers. Better luck next time.

Big boobs milk
Dear Boobs: I am pretty sure there is a porn site for that. Sorry. This is not it.

If a child doesn't do well the first semester in college does that mean they are in trouble the entire time
Dear Parent: They are if it is MY kid. Take his car away, cut up his credit cards and fake ID and kick him in the butt.

Does your period mean you stop growing
Dear Sweet Child: No it does not. In fact you grow quite a bit, what with all the water gain and the cheetos cravings. It just SEEMS like you are bigger because for a couple of days people are afraid to be around you. This will pass.

What does it mean to watch your child fall out of a tree
Dear Parent: That depends. Did you push him?

what does twenty mean in math
Dear Rhoades Scholar: It comes after nineteen.

Pictures of Flashing assholes
Dear Misguided User: Did you mean flaming? Flashing sounds like a serious medical condition. Please hang up and dial 911.

When a daughter does not get along with her mother
Dear Parent: Duh. When DOES a daughter get along with her mother? Relax and enjoy the tornado that is a girl child.

Parents Nude in front of their teenager
Dear Parent: Grab a towel and answer the door. It’s Child Protective Services and they would like to have a word with you.

what does the name June mean?
Dear Child: I assume it means your mother hated the names May and July.

search for colleges that pay$89 per month as their school fee in usa
Dear Prospective Student: You are obviously from a foreign country. For your next search try "technical schools that advertise on matchbook covers."

what does killing someone in your dreams mean
Dear Dreamer: Get out of my head.

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Name: Cattiva
Location: Virginia, United States

About Me: I'm the mom of three: #1 Son (20), The Princess of Wails (17) and their baby brother - The Baby (6). I was a grad-student working on an MA in history until we were surprised - I mean blessed - with The Baby. I'll get back to it...someday (the thesis, not the kid - I have no choice concerning the kid). I am one of only a few people I went to school with who is actually using their history degree in my career (and to think my Father called it Basket-weaving!). I live a very hectic life amongst massive clutter. I call it a good day if we have managed to get home at night without losing one of the kids (no matter how hard I try!). Friends say I have a humorous take on life's happenings. The sad part is that what I write about is true. I laugh to keep from crying.

See my complete profile

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