Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Courtroom Observations

As regular readers know, we are involved in an ongoing saga involving #1 Son and a hoodlum from his school. If you are not familiar with the story, you can read about it here. Today was the court date. Unfortunately for the little thug, neither he nor his parents appeared in court today. We had to wait around for three and a half hours before the case was called and we were told they had not bothered to show up. The judge was very solicitous and apologetic. She thanked us for our time, apologized for having to wait so long for nothing and assured us that she was issuing bench warrants to pick "them" up. I assume that means the thug and both his parents, who were subpoenaed as I was. She further explained that after they are picked up, a new court date will be set and I will receive another subpoena. The saga continues.

The day was not a total loss, however. If you ever experience a blog writer's block, I highly recommend a visit to court. The people watching is unparalleled. I have enough material for at least three posts. I will not, however bore you with all of that at once.

You would think with all the fake court programs on television, like Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown, that people would know how to dress for a court appearance. You would, however, be wrong. Please find below my tips for what NOT to wear to court:

Do not dress like a "hoochie mama." Skintight jeans (complete with a prominent camel toe), a neon pink "belly shirt" and hot pink stiletto-wrestling boots are not appropriate.

Do not wear anything with sequins. The outfit may have worked on New Year's Eve, but the judge will not likely be as impressed as your drunken party buddies.

If you are going to be creative by applying glitter to your jeans, do not insist on wearing them into the courtroom. If you cannot resist your crafty side, be sure not to apply the glitter liberally with white glue.

Remove the "bling." A young man who is making an attempt to clean up and look innocent in front of the court looks less so wearing 4 carats of cubic zirconia in each ear. Additionally, you will want to remove the 4 heavy chains that adorn your neck, especially the one with the gang symbol. Perhaps a tie might be more suitable.

Ditch the heavy metal t-shirt and the dirty trucker hat. You want to at least look like you have showered and shaved instead of looking like you've just come off a three-day bender.

A "do-rag" worn with an NBA jersey under a baseball jersey is inappropriate. Court is neither the NBA finals nor the World Series. You will also want to lace and tie your $200 tennis shoes. Tripping in front of the judge, while it might bring some levity into the courtroom, will not sway his or her decision.

4-inch stilettos and a micro-mini skirt are not appropriate, even if the skirt is part of a suit. Keep the jacket and buy some pants.

If your pants hang low, pull them up to your waist and secure them with a belt. The judge does not wish to see your Calvins.

Admittedly, the skintight velour tracksuit perfectly matches the purple laces in your hiking boots. Unfortunately, it should not be worn to court.

And finally, my all time favorite: Do NOT, under ANY circumstances wear a t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan "Thug 4 Life."

These descriptions are actual fashion statements that I witnessed this morning. My friends, I could not in my wildest dreams make this stuff up.

PS - Don't forget to vote in the BoB awards! You can vote once a day. Please also cast your vote for No Milk Please in the LGBT category and Jay's Party in the Blog Whore category!


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Name: Cattiva
Location: Virginia, United States

About Me: I'm the mom of three: #1 Son (20), The Princess of Wails (17) and their baby brother - The Baby (6). I was a grad-student working on an MA in history until we were surprised - I mean blessed - with The Baby. I'll get back to it...someday (the thesis, not the kid - I have no choice concerning the kid). I am one of only a few people I went to school with who is actually using their history degree in my career (and to think my Father called it Basket-weaving!). I live a very hectic life amongst massive clutter. I call it a good day if we have managed to get home at night without losing one of the kids (no matter how hard I try!). Friends say I have a humorous take on life's happenings. The sad part is that what I write about is true. I laugh to keep from crying.

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