Monday, February 07, 2005

VD is Imminent

Back when I was a single mother, I spent a few years as a bartender for a restaurant in the mall. The tips were fantastic, and I really enjoyed working with people all day. One of the best times of the year for tips was during the first two weeks of February. I believe this phenomenon was because of my advice to male bar patrons who stopped in for beer(s) before facing that treacherous minefield known as Valentine's Day gift shopping. I'd like to impart my wisdom, garnered from my previous experience, to you.

Kitchen Appliances – Regardless of the fact that your mate may have commented in passing that she thought (insert name of kitchen appliance here) was cool, she will not appreciate the fact that this is the one time you actually heard her. While the bread machine and waffle iron were really cool, I can honestly say that I never once made that man waffles or homemade bread. I am capable of holding a grudge for years.

Housework Helpers – Unless the vacuum comes with a maid or the dryer includes a laundress, skip it. Valentine's Day is not the time to be practical.

Computer Games – This is especially true if your significant other does not play computer games. She will see through your rationale that it will be something you can "do together," especially if the game is one you've been dying to play.

Home Cooking – Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to save some cash by making a gourmet meal for your significant other if you cannot cook. This is not the time to learn. That recipe for Beef Wellington may look easy, but trust me it is not. When pregnant with my son, the flash fire from the kitchen startled me so badly that I almost went into premature labor.

Chocolate – If you have any inkling at all that your significant other is on any sort of diet, do NOT buy a monster box of chocolates. You will be accused of sabotaging her, because not only will she be so upset that she eats the entire box, but she will chase it with a carton of ice cream.

Exercise Equipment – Conversely, no matter how much she has said she needs a treadmill, Nordic Trak, Thigh Master, etc. actually purchasing one as a Valentine's Day gift could get you killed. She will say that you think she is fat and you will pay for your indiscretion for years. Interestingly, I eventually learned that the Nordic Trak is a great place to hang clothing. By then, however, the marriage was over.

Gentleman, there are 6 shopping days left until Valentine’s Day. Good Luck.


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Name: Cattiva
Location: Virginia, United States

About Me: I'm the mom of three: #1 Son (20), The Princess of Wails (17) and their baby brother - The Baby (6). I was a grad-student working on an MA in history until we were surprised - I mean blessed - with The Baby. I'll get back to it...someday (the thesis, not the kid - I have no choice concerning the kid). I am one of only a few people I went to school with who is actually using their history degree in my career (and to think my Father called it Basket-weaving!). I live a very hectic life amongst massive clutter. I call it a good day if we have managed to get home at night without losing one of the kids (no matter how hard I try!). Friends say I have a humorous take on life's happenings. The sad part is that what I write about is true. I laugh to keep from crying.

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