All Rise

There is something in the air my friends, and it's not the smell of the overflowing garbage can in the kitchen. Perhaps it is too much togetherness? Perhaps the moon is in a weird phase and the planets are aligned? Whatever it is, it has turned my children into homicidal maniacs who are out to get each other with more of a vengeance than ever. I'm thinking of lacing their food with Dramamine.

They have been fighting over life and death issues this week such as: funny looks, who poked whom, who stole what trinket from whom, who did not change the toilet paper roll (I'm afraid I started that one), who fed the dog last, who gets punished more and who is a bigger (insert the latest highly offensive insult of choice).

I walked into an all out brawl earlier this evening. In a typical case of "He Said, She Said," I got the honor of declaring a winner. Decide for yourself:

Party of the First Part - Him: I was in my room working on my homework and minding my own business. She came in and asked me to come into her room so she could show me something. I went in calmly, saw her stupid thing and when I left, I accidentally stepped on her skateboard. I slipped and fell and it hurt. I was lying on her floor in pain and she started throwing Capri Sun (Ed. Note – a drink) on me.

Part of the Second Part - Her: I was in my room working on my homework and minding my own business. He barged in and was being a pain. He yelled at me. He got on my skateboard and tried to ride it. Then he fell down. Oh and my Capri Sun spilled.

Judicial Opinion: I will not bother to ask why the skateboard in question was in a certain person's bedroom instead of the garage where it belongs. I have lived in this house long enough to know that there are certain questions one just doesn't want the answer to. I'm not buying the innocent "minding my own business" act, either. I may look stupid, but I'm not deaf. Unless the parties are taking a wood shop class, the pounding and slamming I heard from both rooms before the screaming started did not sound like any math or spelling I am familiar with.

I believe the Party of the Second Part trespassed into the room of the Party of the First Part to taunt him with something. I do not want to know what. The Party of the First Part then decided to chase the Party of the Second Part into her room to taunt her. The Party of the First Part, using absolutely flawed judgment, decided to stand on the rogue skateboard and roll back and forth. The Party of the Second Part negligently threw Capri Sun at the First Party, thus distracting him enough to cause the skateboard to slip out from under him.

Verdict: Both parties are negligent and therefore guilty in this matter.

Sentence: The Party of the First Part shall immediately shower in the downstairs bathroom, change into bedclothes and go to bed. The Party of the Second Part shall simultaneously shower in the upstairs bathroom, change into bedclothes and go to bed. Under no circumstances are the parties to come in contact with each other under penalty of the loss of phone privileges for two weeks. The fact that it is an hour before bedtime is of no concern to the court. There will be no appeal of this verdict, as there is not enough Valium and chardonnay in the house for the court to consider the matter further.

My friends imagine my joy when it started snowing this afternoon.

(Ed. Note: I was honored and quite frankly thrilled to receive a review from one of my favorite sites on the web today,
Sigmund Carl and Alfred. If you check it out, please surf their archives. You'll enjoy every minute of it!)