Pregnancy Primer
My Husband and children have not quite gotten the hang of living with a pregnant woman. You would think they would have figured it out by now. In their honor, I give you this pregnancy primer.
If I Am Sleeping, Under NO Circumstances Are You To Wake Me Up.
This kid is sucking all the energy out of me. Since you know that I am not usually a "nap person," it's a safe bet to believe that I REALLY must need the sleep. Do not wake me to ask me how I am feeling. Do not wake me to tell me that NaNa is on the phone and wants to know if I am getting enough rest. Do not wake me to ask me to check to see if your room is clean enough so that you can watch television. If, however, the house is on fire, then by all means please wake me.
Under NO Circumstances are you to eat the VERY last piece of whatever happens to be my craving du'jour. Is that HoHo, last scoop of my favorite ice cream (when you have a full tub of YOUR favorite), last granny smith apple or the last creamy yogurt with the fruit on the bottom that I love so much REALLY worth the wrath of hormones that you are setting yourself up for? Use your head and think about it.
Under NO Circumstances are you to loudly tell our friends that I am wearing my "Stretchy shorts" so my belly will fit, and then proceed to pull up my strategically placed shirt to reveal the pregnancy panel. Remember I know where you live, and I have far more experience and ammunition to embarrass you.
If you value your life, do not wait for me to step out of the shower and announce, "WOW! You are getting BIG! Maybe you need a bigger bathrobe." It is not ME getting big, it is the parasite I am carrying. I am very proud of the fact that I have only gained 7 pounds so far. Don't make me exercise further by chasing you down and killing you.
When I am settled in on the couch to read, watch a movie, or catch a little rest, under NO circumstances should you come in and poke me in the belly to "wake the baby up to play." He doesn't know when to quit and neither do you. I may poke you back rather unexpectedly and it won't be pretty.
You have been warned.
If I Am Sleeping, Under NO Circumstances Are You To Wake Me Up.
This kid is sucking all the energy out of me. Since you know that I am not usually a "nap person," it's a safe bet to believe that I REALLY must need the sleep. Do not wake me to ask me how I am feeling. Do not wake me to tell me that NaNa is on the phone and wants to know if I am getting enough rest. Do not wake me to ask me to check to see if your room is clean enough so that you can watch television. If, however, the house is on fire, then by all means please wake me.
Under NO Circumstances are you to eat the VERY last piece of whatever happens to be my craving du'jour. Is that HoHo, last scoop of my favorite ice cream (when you have a full tub of YOUR favorite), last granny smith apple or the last creamy yogurt with the fruit on the bottom that I love so much REALLY worth the wrath of hormones that you are setting yourself up for? Use your head and think about it.
Under NO Circumstances are you to loudly tell our friends that I am wearing my "Stretchy shorts" so my belly will fit, and then proceed to pull up my strategically placed shirt to reveal the pregnancy panel. Remember I know where you live, and I have far more experience and ammunition to embarrass you.
If you value your life, do not wait for me to step out of the shower and announce, "WOW! You are getting BIG! Maybe you need a bigger bathrobe." It is not ME getting big, it is the parasite I am carrying. I am very proud of the fact that I have only gained 7 pounds so far. Don't make me exercise further by chasing you down and killing you.
When I am settled in on the couch to read, watch a movie, or catch a little rest, under NO circumstances should you come in and poke me in the belly to "wake the baby up to play." He doesn't know when to quit and neither do you. I may poke you back rather unexpectedly and it won't be pretty.
You have been warned.
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